The Job Pirate Read online

  2. Never say too much.

  This rule can be applied to almost any situation in life, but should definitely be practiced during that first week or two at a new job. You may think a frank, detailed response to a question might be warm and friendly, but it is almost always not the case. New coworkers are usually just being considerate when asking how you’re doing; they don’t really give a shit about your grandmother, the movie you saw, or what you made for dinner the previous night. Keep it short, vague, and right to the point.

  A good example of this is

  Coworker: “Good morning, new employee. How was your weekend?”

  You: “Great, but never long enough.”

  A bad example of this is

  Coworker: “Hey, new employee, how was your night?”

  You: “You know, really interesting. I had a woman over last night, and I kept having to get up and go pee because I was drinking beer. I’m usually a wine person, you see. I was getting really self-conscious about it by the fourth trip to the loo since she had only gone once this whole time. But I really had to go again, so when she went up to use the bathroom I sprinted into the kitchen and peed in the sink. And this may sound crazy, but I really enjoyed it. There’s no splash involved and no stream direction to maintain. And because the sink is like waist height, you can actually go hands free and rest your junk on the porcelain edge—and, boy, is that refreshing. I actually washed a couple of dishes while I was there.

  3. Always fall back on a smile and a “Hey, man.”

  Meeting a dozen or more new coworkers in the span of a few days will always lead to forgotten names and titles. Reciting a person’s name out loud upon an introduction will help you to remember it a little easier, but even that bit of advice is easily forgotten. So I recommend familiarizing yourself with the “Hey, man” approach to greetings, responses, and replies.

  A good example of this is

  Coworker: “Good morning, new employee.”

  You: “Hey, man.” (add smile here)

  Or when you accidentally run into a new coworker outside of work

  Coworker: “Hey! Brandon, right? We work together. I sit like two desks down from you.”

  You: “Heeeeey, man. Good to see you.” (add smile here)

  4. Set the tone by leaving the minute your shift ends.

  Sure, staying an extra 15 or 20 minutes on your first few days makes a good impression and lets your manager or boss feel he or she made the right decision hiring you. But then you’ll begin to feel guilty the following week when you attempt to leave on time, because you already set the tone for being an overtimer. It’s like throwing out the “I love you” too early into a relationship—once it’s been voiced and come out of your mouth, you’ll always be expected to end every single phone call with those three weighty words. A “take it easy” will no longer ever suffice.

  Plus, nothing reeks of professionalism more than turning off your computer, whipping on your blazer, and making it out the door before 5:01 has even had the chance to tick.

  5. Only use disguised or invented cuss words.

  If you are like me, then self-censorship is next to impossible. Profanity has become such a part of my vernacular that “Shit” and “Fuck” and “Goddamn” are spoken as frequently as “I” or “Me” or “Good morning.” But there are two acceptable ways to curse in the workplace without sounding like you’re a pillaging pirate and a possible threat. Again, not cursing at a new job is definitely the best approach, but if you can’t then these two alternatives might be of interest to you during those first couple of weeks:

  A) Invent new cuss word sayings. Some good, safe examples of this are

  · Turd blossom!

  · Frank’s ass!

  · Chocolate whisper!

  · Rickets on everything!

  · Crippled Asian!

  B) Disguise profanity within a soft adjective blanket so it gets lost inside, or tuck it ahead of a playful suffix that is much more colorful than its vulgar predecessor. Some of these soon-to-be old standards are

  · Warm shit taco!

  · Re-god-damn-diculous! (John Wayne came up with this one)

  · Asshole-shiner!

  · Pickle shits … went!

  · Cock-a-dingo!

  · Buttercup motherfuckin’ raspberries!

  · Blue, blue, bitch, and white!

  6. Always wear a blazer to an office job.

  A good blazer or suit jacket looks professional, exudes authority, and makes a simple T-shirt and jeans really shine. This same blazer can be worn just about every day, but I recommend at least three variations. Plus, the blazer is like the man’s version of the purse: any halfway decent one will possess no less than five pockets, so there’s plenty of room for keys, cigarettes, wallet, sunglasses, cell phone, and even a pocket-sized book or journal.

  7. Do not get stoned at work during those first two weeks.

  This may sound like a great way to make a shitty job a little more fun, and it really is, but just don’t do it during those first two weeks. Don’t get stoned at work even if it’s with a fellow coworker. I’ve done it. Repeatedly. This is why I can wholeheartedly tell you it is a poor idea. Why? First off, the paranoia associated with being stoned in a public place is multiplied tenfold at a new job. All those eyes that you think are watching you, really are watching you.

  If you’re in the office world, there are always surprise one-on-one meetings with a supervisor you never knew you had. And they ask detailed questions and expect detailed answers in return. Plus, computer passwords and logins are easily forgotten during those first 10 business days, and there will always be a point when you have to ask a complete-stranger coworker how to contact the payroll department about something. None of that is cool when stoned. And if you’re in the retail world, God help you, there will always be that certain customer that approaches your cash register with some sort of deformed jaw or an axe to grind with the first asshole in his path. Again, not cool stoned. The only exception to this rule is if your boss asks you to go out and smoke a joint with him or her. This is perfectly acceptable.

  8. The Irritation Tax. Or, successfully stealing from the workplace.

  Stealing is always frowned upon in any retail workplace—let’s just start with that. But there are always those customer interactions or supervisor squabbles that warrant stealing from the cash register—because it makes you feel better, plain and simple. It’s immediate revenge. It’s compensation for dealing with an asshole. It’s what I like to call the Irritation Tax. Nothing drastic, mind you. But if a heavyset customer yells at you about their incorrect food order, that’s worth $5. If an old woman raises a stink about an out-of-date coupon, I’m afraid that’s only $2, but if a manager or supervisor ridicules or humiliates you, that there is a solid $8.

  And if you are going to enlist the help of the Irritation Tax, do it during your first five days there. Most employers would never think a new employee would be brazen enough to steal that early into a job, and they’ll assume you simply made a mistake because you’re still figuring out the cash register or credit card machine. Don’t get greedy, don’t get caught, and definitely don’t steal during the two weeks that follow. They’ll be watching you closely by now, and you’ll need to show them what a model employee you really are. But by the next month you’ll be in the clear, and you can once again reap the rewards of the Irritation Tax.

  9. Wash your hands after using the toilet.

  You cannot believe how fast rumors spread among coworkers when a new employee drops a deuce in the bathroom and makes a straight-track back to his desk. It may not get you fired but it will certainly remove any chance you have of making friends.

  And keep in mind, when you enter a new place of employment into an existing assemblage of people, you will most likely receive a nickname until coworkers get to know you better—especially if you have followed rules one through eight above. And this nickname is one that you will never, ever hear to your face. It is a moni
ker that the cool clique usually assigns to you, and will most likely highlight some physical quality or trait about you.

  Some true-life examples of this are

  A) “Blowjob Tits”—A bleach-blonde with big breasts, who looked like she might have been a prostitute at one time.

  B) “The Hatchet”—Another bleach-blonde coworker who was quite attractive save for the huge, jagged precipice of a nose.

  C) “Spanky”—A chubby male coworker who bore a striking resemblance to the Little Rascals character.

  D) “The Polack”—A nice, Regular Joe-type of coworker who made the unfortunate mistake of stepping in dog shit on the sidewalk and tracking it across the carpet in front of all our cubicles.

  E) “The Twirler” then “Shit Bird”—He was a strange Asperger-like operator working in the customer service department who would twirl a thin necklace over his palm during every phone call, all day long. It seemed to relax him. Then he became “Shit Bird” once I ran into him in the bathroom leaving a stall after a horrendous, eye-watering crap. And he did not wash his hands. He just walked right back to his cubicle and began twirling his necklace again, until it was time for a fellow coworker’s birthday celebration, where he proceeded to grab handfuls of pretzels and chocolate cookies with those feces-stained fingers of his. He killed the party.

  10. A shitty wage ain’t all that bad because …

  Sometimes it’s worse being paid well at a job than it is to be paid poorly. Not all the time, but sometimes. Because with a decent salary usually comes more work, more responsibility, and more pressure. Getting paid a competitive, middle-class wage means having to show up on time every morning, tuck in your shirt, and explain to the Human Resources department why you don’t want to contribute 5 percent of your salary to a 401(k) account because of the impending financial apocalypse … or because you’ll most likely quit within a year’s time. A well-paying job means finally having health insurance, which is good, but then that ushers in all sorts of panic attacks about what the doctor may find now that you can afford to get a check-up. So you don’t get a check-up. But you do get prescription reading glasses by Prada on your new company’s vision plan, and you get your teeth cleaned on their dental plan, and you take out a $13,000 loan on a four-year-old luxury car because the lot offered you a $500 trade-in for the piece of shit you drove there in, knowing there was a pretty good chance it wouldn’t get you home if you didn’t sign the deed. Then you’re suckered into a $350 monthly car bill plus $200 a month on mandatory premium car insurance, and this is for the next three to five years of your life.

  It becomes a vicious cycle, this well-paying-job game. You make more money so you spend more money, and you have to keep that same stupid job, or one just like it, simply to pay off all the stuff you bought in order to keep your mind off of the job. And fuck getting up at 6:15 a.m.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Brandon Christopher is an artist, novelist, and journalist. He has published over a dozen short stories and essays in magazines, literary journals, websites, and anthologies. He also published his first book, Dirty Little Altar Boy, through Ghost Pants Press. He is also a writer and producer of several documentaries and TV biographies, including Just for the Record—The Rolling Stones, the highly acclaimed 16-hour documentary The Definitive Elvis, and The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made.